Saturday, March 1, 2008

Private: I wondered

A while ago, I wondered how people fell so far into debt. It didn't make sense to me. Spend only what you have, it seemed so simple. There are the obvious exceptions like houses and cars, paying cash for a house is hard. But, buy a house that fits your life and your budget, and you'll be fine.

My upbringing wasn't typical, my parents worked hard and saved everything. We never went on trips, except to visit family in Europe, only half of which I could understand. I saved my money, bought a property at age 20. This was, of course, the smart thing to do. I provided stability, and I had heard enough about the economy and the current housing market to know that it would be a great investment. So, there I was, 20, with a mortgage, tuition, and a job that barely covered the two. Luckily family bailed me out.

How my life is a lie, such a big lie. I've been bailed out twice. Here I am, writing about how people fall into debt, and I would be long screwed if I hadn't been bailed out twice. I know how you fall into debt, you're vain, you want to appear better than you are, appear to have your life together, appear successful. Why would you do this? Why not be yourself? Well, because if you were yourself, you would be the failure of the family and a dissapointment to said family, and yourself. But, your family must love you for who you are... well, yeah, you'd think so.... but for some reason sucess, having your own company, or at least being good at something has been drilled into me. And yet, I got kicked out of university, I managed to finish a diploma, but can't get an interview with a good company for that field. By all measures of what I feel I'm measured against, I'm a failure.

Being ok at everything and good at nothing gets you nowhere, I've discovered. You have to be good at something to make a life for yourself. I don't know what I'm good at, I don't know what I want with my life. I know that I don't like my life now, and I want it to change, but I don't see a way out. I'm not asking to be bailed out, I can't, I'm 22, I moved away to be independent, and yet I'm dependent on the sale of my property and the alleged income from a family profit to keep me affloat. I figured out that I will pay rent, my last mortage payment and my credit card bill, and I'll have nothing left in the bank. Well, as close to nothing as you can get while still being able to afford the gas to go to work.

So, yes, money was imporant growing up, but when I was young, I was able to save a lot easier, starting to work at 14 and not spending much helped. It gave me my first property. But, then, at 22, somehow I managed to go from over 20 thousand in the bank to in debt, and losing money every month in less than a year. How the hell does a supposedly smart kid without a drug or gambling habit, hell, I don't even smoke, and barely drink anymore, lose almost 40 thousand in a year?

And, how does said smart kid get out of said hole without appearing like a very stupid child? I'll let you know when I figure it out.

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